Love Maps!

This week we read a few chapters in our book written by Gottman. His idea and description is that each of us has built a "love map" with our spouse where we store all of our memories with them, things we know about them, hopes and dreams, etc. Often times we don't nurture our relationships and our love maps begin to be outdated.

Behaviors that negatively affect marriage

I am really excited for this portion of this class because I can already tell that the information will be useful for my husband and I. I have already enjoyed being able to discuss the reading and videos with my husband and he seems interested in reading the books himself. I fully believe that all marriages can benefit from “Drawing Heaven into their marriage”. At any point in our personal and marital lives, we can fall short when it comes to living the gospel, following the commandments and trying our best to pray and read our scriptures daily. I appreciate that this class is causing me to remember the importance of these things especially in order to bring my husband and I closer to each other and closer to our Heavenly Father.

While reading Gottman’s book, I was very intrigued and impressed by how he studies couples. I almost want to volunteer! He seems very knowledgeable and calm and I like that about him. While in the “love lab”, he always gave the couple a chance to talk for themselves, but wasn’t afraid to intervene if he felt the need to. I liked once he talked to the couples separately (with his colleague) that he stayed calm, didn’t take sides, and gave advice to benefit the couple that also uplifted the particular person he was talking to. Overall I really enjoyed watching the video and studies like his interest me. I had never heard of the “four horsemen”, but it makes perfect sense. While they are each their own thing, they are very much intertwined and one leads to the next. It is unfortunate, but I see it all too often even in my own marriage. I feel like this will become a really great discussion between my husband and I. Of course we will have to be careful for it to be an educational experience for us and an opportunity to grow and understand each other rather than be used as a chance to point out when we use them, etc. I’m grateful for this opportunity to enhance my marriage. 

Eternal Marriage

Bruce C Hafen’s talk titled “Covenant Marriage” had so many excellent points in it. Each point is as true today as it was nine years ago when the talk was given. I loved one of the quotes in the beginning about a bride telling her mother that she was at the end of her troubles and her mother replied “yes, but at which end?” I hear all too often couples talking about marriage as if they have nothing more to worry about. I may sound like a broken record, but marriage is hard and takes a lot of effort from both husband and wife! This brings me to the next idea in this talk that those in a contractual marriage often give only fifty percent to their spouse whereas those in a covenant marriage give one hundred percent. Now, it is unfair to assume that ALL couples outside of the Church marry only for benefits and will flee when they are no longer receiving them, but it would seem that in our world today, that is all too common. It is unfortunate that more people don’t view their marriage as binding and eternal. We can choose to have this perspective and work through and trials together with our spouse and come out stronger because of it or we can flee in hopes that we will be happier, but there truly is no guarantee.

With our loving Heavenly Father there to love and guide us, I know that we can make it through our trials. If we strive to seek His guidance in all things and work hard to draw closer to Him, we will in turn draw closer to each other as we learned in Elder Bednar’s talk. Also in Elder Bednar’s talk is a principle on Satan’s desire for us to be miserable just like he is. Satan is definitely succeeding in doing this in our world today. He is normalizing and rationalizing the things we all once thought to be bad. He is the best at causing confusion.

“For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints” 1 Corinthians 14:33

Threats to marriage

This week our class touched on trends in marriage and while I learned a lot about the topic itself, what really stuck with me is the importance of sharing your beliefs and how it can affect others and the world itself. The world as we know it now is quickly changing and in my opinion not in a good way. I often worry about what life will be life for my children in school and in their adulthood. The trials that they will have to face will be much different than the things I went through. Battling the adversary will be harder than ever. Now is the time to teach our generation, and future generations, the truth. The truth is also quickly “changing”. It is so hard to distinguish between what is right and what is wrong. We need to teach our children in a whole new way than we were taught. My husband and I have been talking about family scripture study, family home evening and everything in between. It is so important to us that our children know what is expected of them and how to handle challenges in life. We want them to know they can always come to us, talk to their church leaders, how to follow the guidelines of the church. I’m still learning how to effectively share all of this information we learn in class, but I know I’m in the right place. This class causes me to really think and evaluate the important things in life. There are huge issues, laws changing, life changing events happening that are changing our world drastically and we need to try to keep up. It’s hard, and even harder to watch, but for me it is just as important to be an example to those around us and especially to our children.

Trends in Marriage

This week we read a number of different talks and I really enjoyed the differences between the talks, articles and videos. One specific point that stood out to me was in the talk given by Elder Dallin H Oaks. He speaks about Bishops counseling couples and when a couple decides to follow their bishop’s counsel and stay together, they end up with a much stronger marriage. “That prospect began with their mutual commitment to keep the commandments, stay active in their Church attendance, scripture reading, and prayer, and to work on their own shortcomings”. These things not only help you personally, but will strengthen your marriage and draw you closer. I can attest to these things in my own marriage as they have gotten us through many hardships. As long as you follow the commandments that our Heavenly Father has given us, He will be with you. Elder Oaks says that a Bishop reported back that along with repentance and following his counsel that ““healing was achieved 100 percent of the time”. In contrast, studies show that couples who divorce or separate are no happier than couples that decided to stay together and work on their marriage.

“There were three parties to our marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could hang in there, we could hold it together.” I loved this quote in the same talk from a women who stayed in an unhappy marriage for many years until their children were raised. It shows true commitment and effort and that often times with time and patience, you can make it through. If she had given up years before, they wouldn’t have had the chance to work through what was making them unhappy. Seeing the Lord as a third party in your marriage is a great perspective in my eyes because He plays a large part and wants us to succeed. Our Heavenly Father wants the best for each of us and is there for us through our lowest of lows and highest of highs. If we can hold it together through the hard times, just imagine how much stronger our marriages will be on the other side.