Unspoken Family Rules

In one of my classes last term, we talked about unspoken family rules and how they shape us. I was looking back at my notes and I had written that something that might be interesting to do is ask members of a family what unspoken rules they thought their family had. Even within a family, each person will still have their own perspective. A rule that one person sees and follows might not even be noticed by their brother. I thought an interesting tie could be everything we read about the personality traits based on your birth order. We read that a first born is usually likes to be in control, a second born is independent and doesn’t like to be controlled, a middle born tends to be sensitive and goes along with whatever is already established and a last born is often pampered, a procrastinator and more “wild”. With each being pretty dramatically different, it is fairly obvious how their perspectives would be different as well. An unspoken rule in my family (from my perspective) is to never eat close to dinner time especially is someone (usually me) is in the middle of making dinner. The person making dinner for everyone is putting in the time and effort to do so, so it would be rude to eat and then potentially not be hungry when dinner is finally served. I imagine from my husband’s perspective that he thinks if you’re hungry, you should eat regardless of whether dinner is currently being prepared or not. He doesn’t do this intentionally, but growing up that was okay in his family and it wasn’t in mine. This was just something we had to compromise on. If my husband is truly hungry and dinner is not ready yet, he knows that I would be okay if he ate an apple or something small, but that it would hurt my feeling if he made a full on sandwich while I slave over a hot stove. I’ve learned the importance of being flexible and realizing that we all grow up differently. We may not always see eye to eye on these unspoken rules, but with good communication we can grow to make our own family rules that stem from our individual family rules from childhood. 

Family Councils

There are great ideas from the book “Counseling with our Councils” that we are able to use to strengthen our own family councils. We learn how the leadership of our church uses councils to work together and receive counsel and guidance from our Heavenly Father. Our church is very organized and we can learn from their structure. On page 41 of the book, it says “no man is capable of judging a matter, in council, unless his own heart is pure; and that we are frequently so filled with prejudice, or have a beam in our own eye, that we are not capable of passing right decisions”. The great thing about family councils is that we can come together in a neutral setting and discuss whatever it is that needs to be discussed. Each family member is able to share their opinion as long as the other family members are open-minded, with a pure heart, and a willing to listen. On page 47, Ballard writes what a typical meeting looks like for the Quorum of the Twelve. We can follow a similar agenda in order for our family councils to go smoothly and be spiritual as well. The Quorum of the Twelve use a preplanned agenda which is then passed out to each member, they open with a prayer, they address each item on the agenda one by one and they are discussed individually. By keeping the meeting orderly, it creates a safe place to talk as a group and allows everyone to have a voice. Hopefully the agenda also keeps everyone on topic as well. By inviting the Spirit during the opening prayer, we can make decisions and treat each other with respect as Christ would have done.

On page 44 and 45, Ballard writes “while I have always been impressed by the strengths and abilities of the individual men who compose the Presidency, I have been inspired almost to the point of being overwhelmed by the powerful way they work as an exemplary council and continue to do so even when not all members of the council are fully able to function”. This powerful statement teaches us that even when not all of our family members are willing or able to council together, we are still strengthened by gathering and trying our best. The Prophets of our church are the best example to us and from them we learn so much. We a richly blessed by them.

Fidelity

The topic of fidelity intrigues me. When we first hear the word “fidelity” you know that in a marital sense it means faithfulness, loyalty, consistency.. all things you want in a spouse and in your marriage. I loved a definition someone said though that fidelity is “true to what is, not what you want it to be”. That means imperfection! Not that that means to expect unfaithfulness, no loyalty or inconsistency, but that no one is perfect and that equals trials and hardships in marriage. Marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it. It is so sad to me how normalized many types of infidelity are in our society. Infidelity can be fantasy, visual, romantic, sexual, and emotional. Many of these things are very common whether it’s a movie, book, online relationships through hobbies such as video games. Our society embraces these things and normalizes them to the point that people think they are totally okay and aren’t adding to the marital unhappiness. If only we could all see that these things are pulling us apart and completely adding to our trials. Our marriages are worth so much more. They should be cherished and we should cleave to our spouses. I know I want that for my marriage.

Charity

Starting on page 110 in Goddard’s book we read about charity and choice. We must choose our actions, feelings and thoughts. We can choose to see others as the natural man does or we can choose to see others the way Jesus sees us. I love the reminder at the end of the page that says “we are all dependent upon His charity.” Having charity for others is not always an easy task or second nature for us, yet we are so dependent on Christ’s charity towards us. Now if that doesn’t at least make you step back and ponder I don’t know what will. I know it caused me to think a lot. I reread that same sentence many times before moving on.

I also love (from page 111) this insight from Elder Max Caldwell of the Seventy that says “the phrase ‘love of Christ’ might have meaning in three dimensions: Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ.” Thinking about charity in these three separate ways helps us see how all-encompassing it is. Charity is the most important quality, it helps us become the closest to Christ we can be and helps us feel so much love from our Savior and Heavenly Father. Our Savior wants all these things for us. The chapter has the words of a beautiful hymn:

“At the throne I intercede; For thee ever do I plead.

I have loved thee as thy friend, With a love that cannot end. Be obedient, I implore, Prayerful, watchful, evermore, And be constant unto me, That thy Savior I may be.”

After all He has done for us, the least we can do is try our hardest to have charity for one another. Elder Caldwell also expresses to us that “charity sustains us in every need and influences us in every decision.” Having charity not only helps us to be more like Christ, but it helps us in our everyday life, in our interactions with others and in making decisions. What a blessing it is to have His guidance in our lives. When it comes to marriage, we must have charity for our spouse and choose to love them first. Waiting for love will not benefit either of you. “Our partners will love us because we first love them”. 

The Law of Consecration

In the book "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage", Goddard shares many times that he wishes he had realized many of these principles and lessons earlier in his marriage. I really appreciate the lessons I am learning from his examples. In chapter 6 (page 100), he shares that

"It is common for discontented partners to lament, "I just can't tolerate the loneliness in this marriage. I must get out in order to thrive.""

and

"I think that is how Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. “Is there any way out? I don't think I can bear it!" Yet He did bear it. And in bearing it, He saved us. Had He not honored His covenant over His peace and comfort, all of us would be everlastingly lost."

I feel like this is all too common in marriage, including mine, where life gets chaotic and you just don’t know how you will make it through. I know without a doubt that it is worth it to stick it out, hand everything over to God and everything will be okay. I think about our children and the children that wouldn’t be here had we decided to call it quits after our first big fight and I can hardly stand the thought. Their lives matter and my marriage matters. Life isn’t always easy and marriage is hard work, but keeping that eternal perspective makes it all worth it. I love the quote on page 101 from Brother Kent Brooks that reminds us to “persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment and tests of our patience and love for our partners.” We are not promised perfect, unflawed, easy marriages, but we are promised eternal glory by following Christ’s example, following the commandments and practicing consecration in our marriages.  

Goddard titled a section in chapter 6 “Our Whole Souls as an Offering” which reminded me of David A. Bednar’s devotional talk from January 5, 1999 titled “Your Whole Souls as an Offering Unto Him”. He touches on being “diligent in developing strong minds to the principles of sacrifice and consecration” which is exactly what I feel that Goddard is teaching us as well. It is so important, especially in marriage, to learn these principles and make a commitment endure to the end.  

We all have faults and we will have perpetual conflicts that we will have to live with likely for the rest of our married lives. How we choose to handle and react to these though are what make our married lives either a positive or negative experience. We can CHOOSE to love and lift up our spouse, look past their faults and realize that we too have faults. Marriage is not about being perfect, but realizing that both husband and wife are perfectly imperfect and can rise up together in Christ.  

Pride

Pride. Now pride can mean many different things, but in the end none of them are good and all should be avoided. Pride in general is a dangerous path that is hard to get away from. In a talk from President Ezra Taft Benson, he states that "pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves". This is why it is so dangerous. We are so prideful that we can't even see it. We are so deep in pride that in order to get out of it we must hand ourselves over to God, repent and truly change. 

Now in a marriage, pride can really get in the way. Pride leaves no room caring for your spouse or turning towards them. In order for a marriage to work and work well we have to learn to communicate and give 100% to our spouse. But, for how important communication is, it sure is hard to talk about and improve! I feel like it is a touchy subject because no one wants to feel blamed or inadequate. The other thing about marriage and communication is that it is ever changing and needs to be reevaluated regularly. What used to work may not anymore and you won’t know what will work in the future. Each person communicates differently which poses the challenge of differing opinions and miscommunication. Unfortunately this fear and stubbornness can easily turn into pride and does not help keep the doors open for communication with your spouse. 

 I’m not perfect, my husband isn’t perfect, but we’re working on our communication and trying our hardest to understand each other in order to effectively get things done, draw closer together, make decisions together and reach together. Key word is TOGETHER. Communication is not a one sided, one person thing. We can help each other to stay humble and have humility by encouraging and lifting each other up, praying and reading scriptures together and really think about the things we say and interpret beforehand. I'm thankful that this class has opened my eyes to this again. 

Love Maps!

This week we read a few chapters in our book written by Gottman. His idea and description is that each of us has built a "love map" with our spouse where we store all of our memories with them, things we know about them, hopes and dreams, etc. Often times we don't nurture our relationships and our love maps begin to be outdated.

Behaviors that negatively affect marriage

I am really excited for this portion of this class because I can already tell that the information will be useful for my husband and I. I have already enjoyed being able to discuss the reading and videos with my husband and he seems interested in reading the books himself. I fully believe that all marriages can benefit from “Drawing Heaven into their marriage”. At any point in our personal and marital lives, we can fall short when it comes to living the gospel, following the commandments and trying our best to pray and read our scriptures daily. I appreciate that this class is causing me to remember the importance of these things especially in order to bring my husband and I closer to each other and closer to our Heavenly Father.

While reading Gottman’s book, I was very intrigued and impressed by how he studies couples. I almost want to volunteer! He seems very knowledgeable and calm and I like that about him. While in the “love lab”, he always gave the couple a chance to talk for themselves, but wasn’t afraid to intervene if he felt the need to. I liked once he talked to the couples separately (with his colleague) that he stayed calm, didn’t take sides, and gave advice to benefit the couple that also uplifted the particular person he was talking to. Overall I really enjoyed watching the video and studies like his interest me. I had never heard of the “four horsemen”, but it makes perfect sense. While they are each their own thing, they are very much intertwined and one leads to the next. It is unfortunate, but I see it all too often even in my own marriage. I feel like this will become a really great discussion between my husband and I. Of course we will have to be careful for it to be an educational experience for us and an opportunity to grow and understand each other rather than be used as a chance to point out when we use them, etc. I’m grateful for this opportunity to enhance my marriage. 

Eternal Marriage

Bruce C Hafen’s talk titled “Covenant Marriage” had so many excellent points in it. Each point is as true today as it was nine years ago when the talk was given. I loved one of the quotes in the beginning about a bride telling her mother that she was at the end of her troubles and her mother replied “yes, but at which end?” I hear all too often couples talking about marriage as if they have nothing more to worry about. I may sound like a broken record, but marriage is hard and takes a lot of effort from both husband and wife! This brings me to the next idea in this talk that those in a contractual marriage often give only fifty percent to their spouse whereas those in a covenant marriage give one hundred percent. Now, it is unfair to assume that ALL couples outside of the Church marry only for benefits and will flee when they are no longer receiving them, but it would seem that in our world today, that is all too common. It is unfortunate that more people don’t view their marriage as binding and eternal. We can choose to have this perspective and work through and trials together with our spouse and come out stronger because of it or we can flee in hopes that we will be happier, but there truly is no guarantee.

With our loving Heavenly Father there to love and guide us, I know that we can make it through our trials. If we strive to seek His guidance in all things and work hard to draw closer to Him, we will in turn draw closer to each other as we learned in Elder Bednar’s talk. Also in Elder Bednar’s talk is a principle on Satan’s desire for us to be miserable just like he is. Satan is definitely succeeding in doing this in our world today. He is normalizing and rationalizing the things we all once thought to be bad. He is the best at causing confusion.

“For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints” 1 Corinthians 14:33

Threats to marriage

This week our class touched on trends in marriage and while I learned a lot about the topic itself, what really stuck with me is the importance of sharing your beliefs and how it can affect others and the world itself. The world as we know it now is quickly changing and in my opinion not in a good way. I often worry about what life will be life for my children in school and in their adulthood. The trials that they will have to face will be much different than the things I went through. Battling the adversary will be harder than ever. Now is the time to teach our generation, and future generations, the truth. The truth is also quickly “changing”. It is so hard to distinguish between what is right and what is wrong. We need to teach our children in a whole new way than we were taught. My husband and I have been talking about family scripture study, family home evening and everything in between. It is so important to us that our children know what is expected of them and how to handle challenges in life. We want them to know they can always come to us, talk to their church leaders, how to follow the guidelines of the church. I’m still learning how to effectively share all of this information we learn in class, but I know I’m in the right place. This class causes me to really think and evaluate the important things in life. There are huge issues, laws changing, life changing events happening that are changing our world drastically and we need to try to keep up. It’s hard, and even harder to watch, but for me it is just as important to be an example to those around us and especially to our children.

Trends in Marriage

This week we read a number of different talks and I really enjoyed the differences between the talks, articles and videos. One specific point that stood out to me was in the talk given by Elder Dallin H Oaks. He speaks about Bishops counseling couples and when a couple decides to follow their bishop’s counsel and stay together, they end up with a much stronger marriage. “That prospect began with their mutual commitment to keep the commandments, stay active in their Church attendance, scripture reading, and prayer, and to work on their own shortcomings”. These things not only help you personally, but will strengthen your marriage and draw you closer. I can attest to these things in my own marriage as they have gotten us through many hardships. As long as you follow the commandments that our Heavenly Father has given us, He will be with you. Elder Oaks says that a Bishop reported back that along with repentance and following his counsel that ““healing was achieved 100 percent of the time”. In contrast, studies show that couples who divorce or separate are no happier than couples that decided to stay together and work on their marriage.

“There were three parties to our marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could hang in there, we could hold it together.” I loved this quote in the same talk from a women who stayed in an unhappy marriage for many years until their children were raised. It shows true commitment and effort and that often times with time and patience, you can make it through. If she had given up years before, they wouldn’t have had the chance to work through what was making them unhappy. Seeing the Lord as a third party in your marriage is a great perspective in my eyes because He plays a large part and wants us to succeed. Our Heavenly Father wants the best for each of us and is there for us through our lowest of lows and highest of highs. If we can hold it together through the hard times, just imagine how much stronger our marriages will be on the other side.